It has been a rough few days as fars as eating goes at work. Chocolate and treats galore. I think I was craving the fat from the chocolate because I have been limiting my fat intake. (Ha, at least that's how I am justifying it.) On Monday I did go out to Pei Wei with my roomate. It was nice, but I ate way too much.

I weigh in in about 2 hours and I will finally learn about the new changes!

The weekend got a lot better after the incident on Friday afternoon/evening. Yesterday I made it to the gym for a bit and then I went home to get ready to go to a birthday party at a bowling alley. I am SO glad I hate a small bean burrito before I went because bowling alley food is not healthy at all. Also, there was birthday cake. However, I am not really sure what kind of cake it was because it was the most awful think I have tasted. It was made from scratch and the frosting was gross and I LOVE frosting. I had 2 bites and said it wasn't worth it so I threw it away. I am so glad I didn't eat it because I just had the most glorious gingerbread man that was SO worth it. =)

Friday and Saturday were difficult days. I made it to the gym for about 45 minutes Friday morning. I was able to eat my lunch and say no to going out to the fried chicken tenders restaraunt with my co-workers. It actullay wasn't that bad, they got it to go so we ended up all eating together anyway. However, the afternoon is where it started to go south. I ate some homemade cheese curls. And then some crappy stuff happened and I just got a little stressed. We order in and I made good choices like grilled chicked, backed potaot, etc, however the srevings sizes were huge and I ate it ALL. Then the event that was going on has an amazing reception and of course we all get to partake. Cookies, cheeses, chocolate fondue. Oh man it was so good. I definitly felt way too stuffed and my heart started racing.

Yesterday I hung out with my "little sister". She wanted pizza for lunch so we went to one of my favorite places. I had to pretzels and a greek salad. I should have just gotten the half salad becuase it was HUGE. I didn't use the dressing and I didn't eat the crackers. So even though I had to pretzels I would say it was a pretty successful lunch. Dinner was kind of random. I wasn't really hungry at first. I just has some crustless pumpkin pie and a glass of milk. Then later in the night I had air popped popcorn, a few almonds, and a push pop. The push pop I am not exactly glad I ate, but it looked good. It wasn't that great and now I no longer want any that are in the freezer. I also went to the gym BEFORE I hung out with my little sister.

I am going to gym in about in hour. I have a birthday party to go to at a bowling alley. I don't want to drink beer and I really don't want bowling alley food so I think I will need to eat a little something before I go.

So I lost 10 lbs this week. I do feel that my weigh in from last week was inflated due to the crap that I started eating 2 days prior. However, last week was the first week of my new 10 week WW @ W session, so that's the starting number I went with. I just needed a starting number. I also really started to focus on a core plan menu. Friday was a little difficult, but by Sunday I had thw swing of things again. I also have been really pushing myself at the gym. I can SEE definition in my arms and legs. One of the things that I am most proud of is my neck and arms. I still have flab on the arms but they have come a long way. Weights really help.

I am also getting a little nervous as the holidays approach. I know I will be able to keep up my own routine of eating and gym sessions through next Thursday, however that is where things get sticky. I hope to work out with my trainer at home on the 22nd and 23rd. I will also need to try to get to the Y. Christmas eve dinner is at my parent's house, so HOPEFULLY I will be able to control what I eat. Then on the 26th I leave for Paris. This is the point where I really start to worry. I know we will be doing a lot of walking, but man oh man do I love the bread and pastries there. That will be the hard part-control. I am going to allow myself to eat them, I just need not eat too much.

I didn't go to the gym this morning because I really need the sleep. Monday night and Tuesday night I just did not sleep well and last night I slept great. I need to go this evening even if I just go for an hour or so.

I put up a new tracker reflecting a NEW start. I know where I have been and now I need to focus on where I am going. 20 lbs that's it. I can do that.

I am still struggling today. Yesterday evening I went to the gym. Weights for 20 minutes and treadmill for 60 minutes. I felt a little bit better after the workout. I went home and showered and watched Biggest Loser. I really wish I didn't have a job and I could workout all day. I have told my friends this before and I think they really think I am crazy. As much as I love to eat, I equally love to work out. Right now, I am just having a problem fitting in my workouts.

I started the day off with a good breakfast, however I went to mexican for lunch. Not good. It is really hard to say no when my entire department of 6 goes out to lunch. So I had chips and cheese dip and 1 chimichanga. Ok, I know not the best. I ate it and i am moving on. I am now sitting at my desk drinking water. I am not hungry becuase I ate so much at lunch.

I think I need to become accountable to myself and no one else. I also think I really need to think about why I want to lose weight.

Why can't it be easy????

I have not been to the gym since Monday. I am going after work today. I am either really good or I just say fuck it all. I am such a stress and emotional eater. I am not sure I like my WW leader, but I love my group members.

I have eaten bad the past 2 1/2 days. It started with chips, salsa, 1 beer and a pretzel sandwhich on Monday oh and some dark chocolate covered almonds. Tuesday was followed by more dark chocolate covered almonds, tootsie rolls, kissables (I don't even like them that much!), left over chinese, peanut butter and jelly on a wheat tortilla, 2 slices pizza, and cake batter. Oh yeah and my heart was racing at night and I HATE the way I feel after I eat that much but that didn't stop me.

I came into work KNOWING I had to weigh in today. What do I do? I proceed to eat sweets. GAHHHH!! I then went to Logan's after I weighed in at 200 lbs where I had 3 rolls, peanuts, a baked potato, and broccoli. I seriously want to cry right now.

And this post is ridiculously whinny, but I feel better for typing it out.

I am putting a lot of pressure on myself like I always do to lose X and X amount by such and such a date. When is it going to stop? Will it ever? Will I ever be satisfied with my body? I have gotten more complements then I can ever remember getting in the past 4 days. Why do I do this to myself??????

Every once in a while I just need to see a side by side comparison photo. I know I look different just from looking at pictures, but sometimes it is hard to notice unless the pictures are together. I went out last night wearing a shirt I have had for a while. The picture of me is in the same shirt in April 2005 around 230 lbs. The one of me on the right is from last night. I am not quite sure what I am. I weigh in tomorrow =) ( for some reason that is beyond me, images are grainy when I post them here. click on the image for a clearer picture.)

So I went out on a "girl's night out" thing last night. I knew quite a few of the girls, but of course I still feel self concious. We went to this place called Cabanna which is essentially Nashville trying to be NYC or LA, both of which we are not. Of course the night we pick to go would be the night of some greek formal event. It made me so glad I had finished my undergrad. The place was full with over 150 of them. So yeah, and they were all super dressed up, of course making me feel super underdressed. Gah. Ok, so I need to go back to this place. I know that on any other night there would be a lot of eligible bachelors. Since we might have been one of the only table of non-greeks in the place, some guy cam up to us and told us we were the most beautiful table in Nashville. He comes back later and has 14 shots for all of us! So besides my glass of red wine I had a shot, and then a jack and diet coke at the other bar. I did not eat anything though as I had already eaten before I went out. Although I want to stay with my one drink rule, I am ok with the splurges I made.

Since January I would classify myself as an compuslive scale checker. I would get on in the morning. Get on after I ate something. Get on after excercising. Get on after the shower. Get on before I went to bed. I got pretty good at predicting what the scale would be based on where I was in my day. However, I think it is harder to see the progress by doing this. The only time I wasn't really obsessing over the scale was when I was away from my apartment on a trip. I am proud to say that I have not stepped on my scale since Monday! I did weigh-in on Wednesday for my WW weigh in though. As much as I would like to weigh myself almost every minute of the day, I really don't think it is healthy or helpful to me. I think for the first time in a long time I am really excited to see what the scale says on Monday and hopefully it will reflect my hard work!

187. That is how much I weighed in this picture. I was doing so well this summer. It is hard not to dwell on where I could be now if I had just kept it up. Oh and I joined WW for a 10 week session at work. The end of the session is Wednesday. I think I have lost nothing and in fact I might have even gained. (I am going to blame part of it on bloat due to TOM.) However, I am still signing up for the next 10 week session which ends on February 14th.

I remember when I started this weight loss journey almost 3 years ago now and things seemed so much easier. I was so dedicated. The weight just fell off. I could "cheat" and still be fine. Now I eat poorly and my body is all out of wack. It seems like one wrong move and I am on a course set for disaster.

One thing that I did this summer that wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be was I was eating a pretty strict diet of no processed foods and breads. Basically limiting my high fructose corn syrup intake as well as white flour to virtually nothing. I am not really sure why I stopped. I loved the foods I was eating. Oh yeah, I remember now, that damn spinach ecoli outbreak! Yes, I am blaming it on that, but only partially. I drank heavily in September and that isn't good as well. I travelled a lot and eating on the road is always difficult.

I am ready to do this and say good bye to the last 20 lbs for good!

Today was the day I was fearing. I have been doing so well eating wise and I just lost it today. I have 3 weeks of very good eating and I ate entirely way too much at the staff Thanksgiving lunch my department had. And the kicker was the food wasn't even that good. Gah! I also binged on way too much dark chocolate. Tomorrow is a new day though. I will be on point.

Since I do WW at work and next week is a short week, my group decided not to meet next week. So the next weigh in will be the week after Thanksgiving. I have done amazingly well the past 2 weeks with both my eating and excercising. My goal for Thanksgiving is to lose weight and not maintain or gain. I know I can do it. I am going to focus on eating foods that are special to the holiday season and that I can't easily get other times of the year (in moderate portions of course!)

Also, I was debating about signing up again for the next 10 week session which would run through 2/14. At first I wasn't going to do it, but now I decided I really want to do it. I want to lose my 10%. I want that key chain. I want it bad.

Things are going much better. I went to my WW meeting after skipping 2 weeks and I maintained at 198. I should change my stats... I also made the zero point soup and took it for lunch all last week. I made 4 out of 5 lunches last week which is amazing! I plan on making more soup this week as well. I also went to the gym a bunch last week. I went Tuesday-Friday in the mornings for about an hour each day. I also went to aerobics Tuesday at lunch. And after work on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I walked on the treadmill for about an hour each day. I took yesterday and today off from the gym.

However, my eating this weekend hasn't been exactly stellar. Friday night I went to Outback. I ate about half a loaf of the brown bread and butter and had a house salad w/ crutons, cheese, and dressing on the side. I also order a cheese burger and baked potato, but I only ate half of each. Yesterday, I had a half a turkey sandwhich on Pecan cranberry bread with avacado, bleu cheese, and sprouts, half my serving of potato chips and a child portion of chicken chilli. That night was the bad part. I snacked on pretzels, chips, and salsa and some candy. Today, I had a salad w/ turkey and cheese from cracker barrel with honey mustard on the side and 4 saltines. in the afternoon I had fugde. Lots and lots of fudge, but it was soooooooo yummy. I will be taking the rest into work tomorrow. And for dinner I had my leftover sandwhich. So fudge aside I feel I did pretty well. I need to get my lunch ready for tomorrow as well. This week I have a lot more going on. Hopefully, I can do as well as I did last week.

Taken from a John Mayer blog:

CHANGE

I've been thinking about something lately.

Imagine this:

You're on an airplane, sleeping with your head against the window, your heart set on being home this time three hours from now. All of a sudden, something goes very wrong. The plane stops moving across the air and instead starts falling through it. The lights are flickering and the movie is skipping. The plane dips hundreds of feet in seconds, and the yellow cups fall from the ceiling. They're a brighter shade of yellow than you remember, because unlike the demonstration, these cups have never been handled before. "Flight attendants take your seats now", you hear, the pilot's voice trembling over a cacophony of alert tones. You get that smell in the bridge of your nose like you've just been hit with a football. That's what the fear smells like. The plane is going down.

Four more drastic drops in under a minute. People are crying. For all the folklore about how your life flashes before your eyes, you're remarkably fixed on one vision - your parents. They're sleeping at this very moment, in a bedroom so quiet they can hear the clock in the kitchen. And you can see them, clear as can be. You wish you could see a playground or a first kiss, but all you can see is your parents sleeping. Huh. Well, that's that.

Several long minutes go by. Then, all at once, the lights come back on and the plane somehow rights itself. Some people cheer, but most people cry harder. The plane lands about an hour later, and as soon as you feel that touch down - hell, even when you were within 50 feet of the ground and could still technically survive a fall - you realize that however you brokered the deal between you and God worked; you've just been granted life in overtime.

Here's the question: what do you change? Whom do you call that you haven't spoken to in years? Whom do you realize has been toxic to your heart and drop with surprising ease? What trips do you cancel, and what trips do you book? What can't you be bothered with anymore? What's the new you like?

Think about that, and then ask one more question. Why not just change it all right now?

(Working on it...)

POSTED BY JOHN MAYER AT 04:48 AM FROM SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

The bolded part has really hit home. I am working on changing some things in my life right now. I am trying hard. While not completely successful this week, I am at least happy.

I went to the gym and the grocery store today and that's about it!

I did 15 minutes of weights, 60 minutes on the hard elliptical and, 35 minutes on the treadmill.

I stopped by the grocery store and did not stray from list at all! No impulse buys here!

I made my favorite salad for dinner tonight and I realized just how much I missed making my own food.

I will be updating my ticker tomorrow. It will reflect a starting weight of tomorrow's date. Come to think of it, I might heve two tickers. I am not sure yet.

The past 10 weeks have been hard. They have been the busiest time on this journey and I have let a few things slip by. I stopped going to my beloved gym as often as I should. I chose instead to sleep in. I also have not been eating the best and I have been eating out a lot. Both my waist and my checking account have noticed.

But, today is a new day! I might have eaten way too many halloween treats at the party last night, but I am ok with that. I started out my morning with cantalope and low sugar apples and cinnamon oatmeal with skim milk. I am also drinking my water.

I have plans to go to the gym sometime today too. I do not have class next week, so I will be devoting all evenings to myself.

I am going to go to the grocery store today so I can stalk up on fruits an veggies too.

Have a great week everyone!

The weekend was spent out of town attending Dave Matthews Band shows. umm, so I did ok, up until about 3 PM on Friday afternoon when I started to get my drink on. It was all down hill from there for the rest of the weekend. I mean how do you know how many points are in Moonshine?!? I did eat at BW3's. Yum! I drank entirely way too much and ate a bunch of crap. I did however write down everything I ate and drank (well, what I remember). I had Monday off and it was a great way to get back on points. I did well yesterday as well. I had my weigh in today and I was back down to about 192. I am not sure if I have actually lost the weight or if my body is in shock from the weekend. I did dance for about 3 hours each night at each show, so that should count for something right?

My left foot is still hurt, so I haven't been excercising. I am hoping to feel better enough to start up again Sunday or Monday.

My goals for this week are to stay on points while my dad is in town and to start excercising again starting Monday at the latest.

The weekend was spent out of town attending Dave Matthews Band shows. umm, so I did ok, up until about 3 PM on Friday afternoon when I started to get my drink on. It was all down hill from there for the rest of the weekend. I mean how do you know how many points are in Moonshine?!? I did eat at BW3's. Yum! I drank entirely way too much and ate a bunch of crap. I did however write down everything I ate and drank (well, what I remember). I had Monday off and it was a great way to get back on points. I did well yesterday as well. I had my weigh in today and I was back down to about 192. I am not sure if I have actually lost the weight or if my body is in shock from the weekend. I did dance for about 3 hours each night at each show, so that should count for something right?

My left foot is still hurt, so I haven't been excercising. I am hoping to feel better enough to start up again Sunday or Monday.

My goals for this week are to stay on points while my dad is in town and to start excercising again starting Monday at the latest.

The weekend was spent out of town attending Dave Matthews Band shows. umm, so I did ok, up until about 3 PM on Friday afternoon when I started to get my drink on. It was all down hill from there for the rest of the weekend. I mean how do you know how many points are in Moonshine?!? I did eat at BW3's. Yum! I drank entirely way too much and ate a bunch of crap. I did however write down everything I ate and drank (well, what I remember). I had Monday off and it was a great way to get back on points. I did well yesterday as well. I had my weigh in today and I was back down to about 192. I am not sure if I have actually lost the weight or if my body is in shock from the weekend. I did dance for about 3 hours each night at each show, so that should count for something right?

My left foot is still hurt, so I haven't been excercising. I am hoping to feel better enough to start up again Sunday or Monday.

My goals for this week are to stay on points while my dad is in town and to start excercising again starting Monday at the latest.

FYI: Camping (at least the way my friends do it) and WW are not compatible. I was so not on points at all Friday-Sunday. I ate a whole lot and drank even more. Tomorrow is a new day though.

So first official WW@work meeting. I weighed in at 200.2. Wow. I have really backslid a lot over the past month and a half. I need to get back to the grind. Paris is just around the corner. I think this 10 week program is just what I needed. My 10% goal is 20 lbs. I will be really happy if I can get down to 180. I am not really sure what my goal weight will be. Basically we spent a lot of time weighing in. The actual meeting itself was about 40 minutes long. We went over the points system and core was briefly mentioned. I will be doing the flex plan. It just works better for me. Also, I have noticed that I don't eat meat very much. I need to check into different vegetable options.

I stayed within my points limit of 24 today. Since I am right on the brink of the 24/26 pts a day due to a measly .3 lbs, I am going with the point range for someone who is 199 lbs.

Tagged - 5 Things

Ack! I've been tagged by Christie.

5 things in my refrigerator:

1* Diet Coke
2* carrots
3* non fat plain yogurt
4* baby bel cheese
5* balsalmic vinegar

5 things in my closet:

1*dirty clothes
2*towels
3* my stock pile of extra toiletries
4* jewelery
5* clothes

5 things in my purse:

1* cell phone
2* wallet
3* work keyes
4* small notebook that I *try* to keep track of what I eat
5* lip gloss

5 things in my car:

1* cell phone charger
2* iPod adapter
3* quarters
4*live DMB tapes from back in the day
5* parking tickets

WW@Work starts tomorrow. I am nervous and excited all at the same time. I have been eating like crap and not excercising. I need to get my butt back in gear. Tomorrow is the day.

I am sorry for the lack of updates. I posted this on my other blog and it should be posted here as well:

I don't think I could have ever been prepared for what happens after you lose the weight and the attention that comes with losing the weight. ( I just had a thought. Maybe it's not the weight loss that is bringing attention, but an increase in self-confidence which is due to the weight loss? gah)

I have spent the past month thinking about a stupid boy. Fleeting thoughts here and there and it makes me mad that I can stop them. In retrospect, I think it was good that it happened, I just need to move on.

A little background info for you all: I went to WPB pretty much on a spur of the moment decision. As I am walking to my seat on N1 I see an old DMB acquaintance. (I am calling him an acquaintance because I never talked to him outside of seeing him at shows. I don't think I had seen him in about 2 years.) We say hello, small talk for about a minute and then I am on my way to my seat. He came over during the encore break to talk to me and to catch up with A. He touched my back (or the hot spot as my friends call it) and said something about his plans for after the show. At this point I have no clue what is going on and I just tell him I will come talk to him after the show because he needed to go back to his seat. I got his cell phone number and he got mine. We send a few texts that night. All the time I am wondering what the hell is going on? Why is this guy who I have always sort of admired from afar paying attention to me of all people? We meet up before the show N2 for a drink, he has to go to his seat and asks me where I am sitting. I pull out my ticket and tell him where I am in the upper pavilion. He says he will try to come up there. I am thinking, he probably won't. He finds me. And this is only the second show in my entire life I have spent on the lawn...we had a fun night. I am trying really hard to just think of it as part of a fun night of an amazing weekend, but it is so hard.

I think I needed this experience so I know I can get the guy I want. I haven't heard from him since the day after the show. He probably has forgotten me and is busy with his life. I need to move on, it was a fun night. And I am sure I have plenty more fun nights to live.

I am have just been so busy over the past 2 months or so. Weightloss has sort of taking a back burner and I am not really happy about it. I got down to 187. I was back up to the low 190's last time I checked.

I joined a WW at work program. It starts on Wednesday. I think it will give me that push I need to use the last few pounds. I am trying to find the weight that I will be able to maintain.

Thank you to all those who still read. I really appreciate it.

I am still alive and feeling better about myself then ever.
If you are interested, here is a little blurb about me.

More to come soon!

I don't like it when people tell my I am too skinny now that I have lost weight. I think it has to do with jealousy. I am by no means skinny, nor will I ever be with my frame. gah!

I have had a few run-ins with the dark chocolate this week and last. Also, my gym visits haven't been as regular as I would like. This usually occurs when classes start to get busy. I was down to 190 this week. I should be happy with a 1 lb lost conisdering the sheer amount of chocolate and popcorn I ate last week. I also figured out that over the past 7 weeks I have lost 14 lbs. I am just so suprised. When I really think about that, it is amazing. I just hope I can keep up some sort of loss no matter how small until the end of the summer.

It's hard to believe how far I have come. I almost don't believe it myself. I am not the best at editing pictures. A friend sent me the picture on the left taken at Shoreline in 2003. The picture on the right was taken on 7/4/2006.

Things have been going pretty well with this new eating plan. I have been able to cut out breads and processed snacks. I did have one white chocolate cranberry cookie this week, but it was only one! I would normally toss back 3-5 just because they are so good. I have also experienced what I envision hell possibly being like. It occured at Logan's on Monday. Everyone ordered their carbolicous lunches and then the warm buttered rolls were brought out. The table was crowded and since I wasn't eating them they asked if they could put them in from of me. Gah! Also, peanuts galore on the table and peanuts are a no go for me. I did however enjoy my salmon and broccoli. I had a slight freak out on Thursday night due to questions about future living situations AND the homework I had put off doing. I ate way too much dark chocolate. When I woke up I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I also had a felt like the worst hangover ever and I don't get hangovers. Yesterday I had 3 light beers when I went out. Eh, I told myself I was only going to have 2. Technically I only paid for 2. Tonight I am going to go to the grocery store to make sure I have plenty of fresh food for my lunches this week. I do the best when I plan well in adavance.

So I have finished 3 days on this new diet plan. I have had to make a few exceptions though. I still have been eating 1/2 cup of Kashi cereal in the morning. Hopefully, I will soon be able to replace that with popcorn from my new yummy popcorn maker once it gets here! I also have been eating small amounts of dairy. I already have the cheese and I am not going to let it go to waster. There is also some milk in the fridge too. I am not a big milk drinker. But if I eat oatmeal, I need a little splash. The office went out to lunch on Thursday and I did very good excpet for the cheese on my salad and the little amount of dressing I used. I didn't touch a roll either! That is huge! I went out to dinner at Pei Wei last night and ordered brown rice, broccoli and chicken. There was sauce on it that I am pretty sure is not on my plan. However, I saw people order just steam veggies and brown rice!!! That excited me so much because it is not on the menu. I will be doing that on Monday when I go there for lunch with some of my co-workers. On Tuesday, I have another office lunch at Logan's. This should prove to be a bit more difficult because Logan's has a bucket of peanuts on the table AND yummy rolls. Tonight will be difficult as well. I am going to a concert at the coloseium starting at 4:30 and we all know colosium food is oh so healthy. I am also taking the day off from the gym. I haven't decided if I will be working out tomorrow.

So I am finished with day 2 of healthier eating. I basically have been eating fresh, non-processed foods. I will be starting a more strict diet as soon as I get all the info. Which I just got. Here is a run down of it:

NO:

High fructose corn syrup

Dairy cheeses and milk, it is ok to have goat cheese

Butter

Breads

Regular potatoes

Regular salad dressing, but you can have balsalmic vinegrette

Peanuts

Can have:

Red Potatoes and russet potatoes

All fruit

All veggies

All beans except red beans

EVOO, uses smart balance butter substitute

Brown rice

Dark Chocolate, the darker the better

Try to eat 5-6 meals a day, trying to keep the glycemic index low

Limit alcohol intake

Can have diet coke

I am finally below 200. I thought it would never get here. I have actually been under 200 for the past month or so. My lowest being 196 last monday. Today I was 199. I would really like to lose a little bit more weight by my birthday in September. I am not going to set an X amount by such and such a date because I never meet those types of goals. I just need accountability and I am returning to my trusty blog who has been sidelined for so many months. One of my friends is doing something very similar to a mediterranean diet. He is going to send me the info. Basically no high fructose syrup, bread, butter, or processed foods. Can I hang? I am not so sure, but I can give it a try. I would relly like to try to cut the processed foods out of my diet. I eat too many of them. 100 cal packs might seem like a good idea at first, always leave me wanting more. Plus they are so damn expensive.

Right now my new favorite food is pistachios. I haven't been to the gym since Thursday and I am not going tomorrow because it will be closed. I am going to get up early and go on Wednesday morning. I will also go to aerobics during lunch.

Not sure what I have planned for tomorrow. If it is nice, I will go to the pool. Happy 4th of July!

I have no clue if anyone reads this anymore. I have really slacked off on posting this time around. It just seems like I keep gaining and losing the same 5 lbs. My food has not been the best over the past 4 months or so. I have been sticking to the gym. My clothes still fit, so I am happy. I think right now I am about 205ish. If you really want to know what is going on in my life not really related to my diet you can check it out at www.sarahbeara.blogspot.com I try to update that a little more often.

"When it's good, it's so, so good
When it's gone, it's gone"

A pretty good description of how my eating has been over the past 3 weeks. Basically I have eaten whatever I have wanted including burgers, poppyseed muffins, beer, and everything else I really should eat in excess.

I didn't way in this week. I sort of forgot and then decided against it out of pure fear of what the scale would say. Even though I haven't been eating the best, I still made it to gym everyday except Thursday.

I don't have class this week; so I plan to focus my energy and efforts toward my eating habits.

I feel like such a failure right now. I am not even going to go into detail of all the food I have eaten in my 36 hour binge, but it has got to stop. I am such an emotional eater and the emotion that I am dealing with right now is stress. What stress might you ask? The stress of writing a paper that is due a week from today that really needs to be done at 10:30 AM on Monday so I can have it proof read at the writing center. I have all the information for said paper, I just need to write the damn thing. I even had the afternoon off today and what do I do? I took a nap. I was doing soooo well up until this point food wise and I feel so out of control it is ridiculous. Also, I slept in a little bit this morning and I only went to the gym for an hour to do the elliptical before work. I usually do weight training for 30 minutes too. I need to shake this stress quick. I guess one good way to do that would be to get the majority of my paper done tonight. If I could even just get 4 more pages tonight that would be amazing.

I also think I need to get out more. Yeah that one came out of left field right now.

A friend invited me to Ashville to watch March Madness during the upcoming weekends. I might go. Friends want to come to Nashville to visit the next 2 weekends, but I am not sure I want them to come. What the hell is wrong with me??? I love it when people visit. Also my long lost friend from Italy is supposed to be moving to Nashville on Monday. There is some major history (not romantic in any way) between us. I will save that for another day. I am still excited about it and I know he will contribute greatly to the above mentioned wanting to go out more. I still think I have some major insecurites about going out and not being good enough or pretty enough for anyone. I should have written all of that in my "other" blog and not this one. Oh well. I am in emotional roller coaster right now.

gAH!

After the run in I had with the 2 bags of chocolate this weekend, I was sure I was going to gain this week. I have no clue how I LOST 2 lbs, but I'll take it! That brings my grand total lost to 101 lbs!!!! Wow! That is a lot. It is 2 years and 2 months to the day that I started this journey. I still have a ways to go and I have a feeling this is going to be the most difficult part. I am 3 lbs away from being under 200 lbs. I need to stay on plan this weekend and make it to the gym.

I forgot to mention that I got 2 pairs of jeans this week from the Gap. Size 16 baby! I am not sure what I was more excited for: the size, or the price- $6.97 each. Ah yeah. And I have decided that Old Navy jeans/pants will in no way ever fit my body! I am not as much as a freak as I thought I was.

I had a run in with not one, but 2 bags of Easter candy yesterday. Not good! I just need to realize that I can't keep that stuff in my apartment. I also went to the best panacke place in Nashville yesterday and had pancakes with rasberry sauce and whip cream AND hash browns. I didn't got to the gym yesterday, but I went today. Tomorrow is a new day.

204 on the scale today. I am little nervous. Usually I have a really good loss and then I start to slack off. I am going to try really hard not to let that happen this week. My BMI has gone from a 41 to a 28. I am 99 lbs down. I am 17 lbs away from being in a health BMI. 17 lbs! Wow! That seems so close and so obtainable.

I also have 15 weeks until I head out to West Coast for a week. I will be seeing old friends and family. Some I haven't seen in over a year. I know I can do it.

I went to a party at my old roomates place last night. This picture was taken as a joke and I hardly recognize myself. That is all.

I peeked at the scale tonight and I really liked what I saw. Hopefully I will be able to keep up this new found motivation.

I have a training meeting tomorrow and this will be the major test. There is always so much food at these things. Bad food. Lots and lots of it. If I can make it though I will be awesome. I know my breakfast choices will be limited, but I think I am going to bring an apple or some cheerios just in case. Lunch will be at the caf, but I WILL get a salad from the salad bar.

I have started running again. Typically just a little over a mile a day. This morning I got the worst pain in my side EVER. It hurt so bad that I had to stop running and start walking. I think I need to drink more water when I am exercising

I definitely was not expecting to gain another pound this week. Well I did. I am up to 210 now. Hopefully I will be able to stick with it. I can't expect miracles after really sticking with my points for only 3 days.

I went shopping today after work. I bought 4 sweaters. I tried on 3 pairs of jeans and I hate pants. I have yet to find jeans that fir my body right and are long enough. I have huge thighs and it is so hard to find jeans that don't make me look like I even bigger thunder thighs then I already do.

Here is to an on plan Wednesday.

I never reported my weight from Tuesday probably because I gained 3 pounds to bring me back up to 209. Knowing that I could possibly be seeing another gain I am back on plan. Yesterday was an on point day, but know gym. I am just not event going to talk about Friday. Today has been excellent and I event made it to the gym. I did weights for about 30 minutes and then the treadmill for 35 minutes. 20 of which I ran at or above 6.3 MPH. I really wanted to go for 30 minutes, but I haven't run in a long time and there was no way that was going to happen. I just ate a yummy greek salad from panera.

I was thinking today about what my mind set was when I started this whole thing almost two years ago. I was definitly not expecting much. I think I wanted to try to lose 15 pounds by the time I would be seeing John Mayer in Mid March. I end up losing over 30 pounds. It seemed so easy back then. I wasn't tempted to cheat. Even if I did treat myself I would still lose. Well most of the time. I just checked my spreadsheet and in 4 months I only had 3 gains. I really need to get back to that mindset. I know I can do this. I want it soooo bad.

It is too much to ask to just get under 200 lbs? I think so. I am having some serious problems. When I am good, I am good, but when I am bad, I am so bad.

Yesterday and today have not been good at all. The cheesecake factory was not good to me, or more like I was not good to myself at the cheesecake factory. I had a Navajo sandwich that was so yum. It was flat bread, basically chulupa bread, with way too much mayo, avocado, chicken, tomato, and lettuce. Not to mention the fries I had with it. Also, I went all out and had strawberry shortcake. I tied to eat it all, and the strawberry shortcake was way too much for me. I felt the most stuffed I had ever felt in a loooooooong time. I don't even remember being that stuffed at the past 2 Christmas dinners or Thanksgivings. I was in serious discomfort. I probably would have thrown up if the line at the bathroom wasn't so long. It was not pleasant. I never want to feel that way again.

So I am sure I will have a gain this week. I have not been to the gym over the past 4 days add that to all the bad foods I have eaten and a gain is inevitable. I just want to get under 200. I know it is just a number, but it would be a huge milestone. Also, I need to pick up the weight loss because I will be going to WA in June and I think Paris for new years. It would be amazing to actually be able to buy clothing in Europe, something I wasn't able to do when I lived over there.

Enough of mourning over the past week. I can do this.

Yesterday afternoon/evening was not good. It went all down hill at the catering event where I got to sample all the yummy new catering offerings. Ugh. Then I came home and probably ate 7 fun size snickers. I should have just eaten one damn regular size and been done with it, but of course no one buys regular size when you can buy a bag of fun size. I also had some dove chocolates. However, I packed my lunch and breakfast and was ready for today.

The alarm went off and I just could not get out of bed. I decided to skip going to the gym this morning, BUT I brought my stuff with me so I would be able to work out after work. And I did! I did cardio for 60 minutes on the elliptical from hell. It also made me realize how much more I like working out in the morning.

I had a filling dinner of egg beaters mixed with Canadian bacon, peppers and onions. I also had some baked steak fried and some cake batter.

I have made my lunch for tomorrow and I am ready to have a great day tomorrow.

Today one of my co-workers cried to me in my office about her weight. She would be the one I call lazy co-worker. She has complained to me before and done nothing about it. Today was different because she went to the doctors and was over 200 lbs. This was the first time in her life she had weighed over 200. She seems really ready to commit this time. I told her I would make a list of all the foods I eat to give her ideas. I also told her she can't change it all at once or she is setting herself up for failure. I guess all I can do is try to help and support her. Another co-worker and I took our afternoon break and went and got a soda and an oatmeal cookie. I am definitely not going to beat myself up over the cookie. I wanted it and it was with in my calorie range and it wasn't like I ate 20 of them. Lazy co-worker seemed shocked that I would eat the cookie. It's not about deprivation, it's about moderation.

I have been so good today. I have made great food choices and worked out at the gym for an hour and a half. I drank plenty of water all day long too. I just hope that tomorrow I will maintain. I am not expecting a loss at all. Even if I were to gain I think I would be ok with it.

I love cake batter. Oh. My. God. It is just that good. Soooooo, a while back I started mixing cake mix water and eating the "batter." While it's not the real thing it certianly does the trick.

Here's to another on point day.

The past week has been awful. My food choices were just plain bad. Some of the low lites include 3/4 of a bag of dove milk chocolates, mexican fajitas and about 1 basket of chips, 2 poppy seed muffins, pizza, one 8 oz bag of potato chips, lots of chocolate candy at a program I went to (I had so much that I don't even have any clue how much I ate). However, yesterday I got back on track. I worked out at the gym yesterday and today for 2 hours each day. Hopefully, that will help to reverse some of the damage I did this week.

I went to the grocery store today. The best day and time to go to the grocery store in the South is early Sunday morning. At the store I bought lots of produce including lettuce, tomatoes, celery, green onions, yukon gold potatoes, avacado, coleslaw mix, mushrooms, carrots, gala apples, and green grapes. I also bought kashi cereal, FF Sour Cream (so I can make homemade ranch) and Reduced fat mayo.

I am ready for a week of healthy eating! Bring it!

I am not event going to talk about all that I ate today. I am just glad tomorrow is a new day. I just need to make it through my class tonight.

Why can't this be easier????????

Umm, yeah so I need a do over. I had chick-fil-a not once, but twice today =( I haven't had food from the place in like almost a year. I don't even crave it at all. But I went once with co-workers and once with the roomate. The school won the basketball game last night so we got free sandwhiches. Of course you can't go there with out waffle fries. So yeah, not good. Also, peanut butter in large quantities on a spoon is not good. I seriously need to stop. I am going to the grocery tomorrow night. I need a re-fresh of good foods. I only got in an hour of cardio at the gym this morning and no weights. Oh, I also had one of those poppyseed muffins I was craving yesterday. I am glad that's out of my system.

The blue team won on Biggest Loser tonight. Both teams were so awesome though. I wish I could go on that show, but since I technically know what I need to do, I doubt I would ever be chosen.

A 1 pound loss today. I know I should be happy with it and of course I will take it. I wanted a lemon poppyseed muffin BAD about an hour ago. I went to get one and they were out. They only had bannana nut and that one is not good.

I have no clue what I am going to do for dinner and I am a little worried.

20 lbs and I will no longer be over weight. I will be at the end of the healthy BMI range, but at least I will be healthy. Wow. That seems really obtainable and scary all at the same time

Just a quick post before I head to the gym. Basically Tuesday-Friday were AWFUL days as far as eating goes. I did make it the gym everyday except Friday because I had a workshop that started at 7 AM!! I caught up on some much needed sleep Friday night. Yesterday consisted of going to the gym making lunch (Turkey and ham roll ops on corn tortillas and oven fries), and going to dinner at Pei Wei. Man, oh man do I love this place! There chicken pad thai is so yummy. I usually get some won ton soup, but I didn't get any last night. I only ate about 1/3 of my meal. I guess I just wasn't that hungry. So now I have tons of leftovers. Yeah!!! I also noticed that Pei Wei Pad Thai was not entered into spark people. I feel so much better that you can enter your own custom foods so you can really track what you are eating. Serioulsy, I don't think I could love a restaurant as much as I love Pei Wei =)

So the past 2 days have been just plain awful. It all started with going out to lunch yesterday at J. Alexander's. oh. my. god. I have never been there before. I know it is a chain, but the atmosphere and food was amazing. Mark Willis was there while we were eating lunch and the hostess said that Keith and Nicole were there over the weekend. Yes, what other Keith and Nicole would I be talking about =) So I wish this lunch was on the company card, but oh well. I got the most glorious cobb salad. I know not the best choice, but I did not use very much dressing at all. I used the dip your fork in your dressing technique. I only ate about 1/4 of my salad because I had 2 huge onion rings before the salad. I also had 2 pieces of some of the most glorious corn bread with cheese and jalepeno peppers. I also passed on ordering desert while all of my co-workers ordered desert. I did have 3 bites of carrot cake though. For dinner I had the rest of my salad. I should have tried to eat something better, but at least I am no longer eating all of a meal that I used to eat in one sitting.

Yesterday 2 people swear the recognized they had seen me before. The waitress asked me if I came there often and at the meeting one of the guys thought he remembered me from a previous event. Hmm, maybe I have a twin out there. I also realized that I work in a pretty superficial business. I honestly don't think I would have the strength to be an artist or an actor being under the public eye and scrutiny. I am not even in the public eye, yet I feel the need to lose weight so that people won't look poorly on me and take me seriously.

Bad food choice continued with lunch. I ventured to the caf which I said I would never go back to. I didn't eat that badly, but I could have done better.

Dinner was also not the best. It was Mexican. I basically ate a bunch of chips. When my meal came I had eaten so many chips that I wasn't really hungry. I had a few bites of beans and chicken and then I got a to go box.

I am not getting inspiration from the biggest loser. I really want the blue team to win!

Another 2lbs down. I am at my lowest weight of 207 which I was at about a month ago. I am convinced that in order for me to really lose the weight I have to lose each pound about 2 or 3 times. Hopefully with this strech of my weightloss journey that won't be the case.

I feel really bad. I was just mean to the cleaning lady and then she complimented me. gah. I sort of had to cut her off because lazy co-worker was not here and that is really who she needed to talk to. If I didn't she would have bables on and on about things I don't care or know about. Then turns around as she is leaving and asks if I have been losing weight because I looked good. gah. Oh well. I need to be nicer to people. I am in bitch mode right now. Not good. I have a big ass meeting with people from NY, LA, and Nashville and I don't want to go at all. I just want to go home and go back to bed. I don't want to be fake this morning either, but I am going to have to suck it up and put a smile on.

I saw the worst infomercial last night. It was for a product called the Velform Saunabelt. This has to be the most ridiculous product ever. Just in case you haven't seen this infomerical this thing is supposed to help you sweat the pounds off. You can target a specific area like abs, thighs , butt, etc. If all I had to do was wear a sauna belt to lose weight I wouldn't have a weight problem.

Tomorrow is the weigh in day. I had some problems early in the week, but hopefully I will show some sort of loss tomorrow.

So I ended up going to Pei Wei for dinner last night. I did fine with dinner. I had a bowl of wonton soup and about 1/3 of my Spicy Chicken. Later I went out with some friends to my favorite bar ( how could you not love a place that played the whole JM3 album while I was there???) and I had 1 light beer and then I started drinking diet coke. However, when I cam home I finished off my spicy chicken =(

I debated if I should go to the gym this morning, but after the late night eating fest last night it pretty much sealed my fate that I would be going this morning. I had a great 2 hour work out. I did weights for about 50 minutes and the a little over an hour of cardio. I just made my self a great lunch of refried beans, sauted peppers, onions, and chicken, with 2 corn tortillas. Yum!

I have come to the conclusion that I can not give up diet soda. I just can't do it. If I drank like 6 or 8 day that might be in issue, but 1 or 2 I am fine with. I don't keep it at my house I just like to have one at work either in the the morning or in the afternoon. When I buy it, it is a chance to get a way from my desk and walk around. I brought my lunch and will be eating in today. I also will be eating dinner at home. I think I am going out to one of my favorite bars tonight, but I will not be drinking. I will just have myself a diet coke =)

I am in a really bad mood today. I think I am PMSing.

I just looked at the Chipotle website and the closest one to me is in Lexington which is a good 3 hours away. If I didn't have class tonight I think I would have considered driving for the single purpose of getting a burrito. Yes...I have a problem with food.

I am really trying hard today. I woke up late, but I was still determined to hit the gym. I decided I was only going to do my cardio workout. I ran a mile and then walked 3.5 more. My biggest success today has been eating my lunch that I prepared last night. I cooked some frozen pepper mix in a pan with some chicken and added some burrito seasoning for a yummy low point lunch option (3). I added a half cup FF refried beans (2), 2 corn tortillas (2), and RF string cheese (1). I also had 1! piece of peppermint nougat candy. I am guessing it was 1 point, but it has been a while since I have looked at the bag.

On tap for dinner I brought a lean cuisine chicken in peanut sauce wich is so yummy and I added some broccoli and grean beans. I have class tonight and I don't want to rush home to eat dinner and then come back.

After Chubbs and Christie mentioned SparkPeople in their blogs recently I decided to check it out. It is great and so far in this whole weightloss jouney might be one actual online resource I will continually use and not just use for a while and then flake. However, I think I will not pay attention to the whole whole spark points deal because if I do I know I am setting myself up for failure. Those type of rewards just don't do it for me. Also, I decided I would only enter my cardio excercise. I am pretty advcance in my weight training and I don't do a lot of the things listed on the site nor do I have the time to keep track of all the reps and weight etc. So I made 3 goals: No soda for 2 weeks, strech for 10 minutes a day, and to journal.

Eating today was again horrible. Tomorrow will be MY day! =)

So yesterday I did really bad. Really bad. Breakfast was fine and normal, but lunch was not good. I had a HUGE chicken burrito, not of the low point variety, some tortilla chips, and a chocolate chip cookie.

One of my co-workers did not come in yesterday (I'll just call her lazy co-worker from here on out) so I stayed to help cover the basketball game. This meant free food. Free food is not good food. I had 1 hot dog, 1 chicken wrap, 1 small bag of popcorn, 1 sand dollar sandwhich, 2 cookies, and some pineapple. Why did I even bother with the pineapple. Also, I had about 10 chocolates. Gah!

And this morning was rough. I would have liked nothing better than to stay in my nice warm bed instead of going to the gym. I was praying that the school would be closed today and I would not have to go to work. However, I should have known better than such wishful thinking. There was hardly any snow on the groud and it wasn't even sticking to the roads. Anyway I got out of the bed and got to the gym. Weights for 30 minutes and cardio for a little over an hour. As much as I dislike Star Jones, there was a quote from her in Star Magazine that I really needed to read this morning regarding "pigging out": "Put a lid on the guilt feelings...get over it. Start back with your portion control the very next day."

I am starting over today!

So after the horrific weekend I had food wise, I thought all hopes of a loss were gone. To my suprise I weighed in at 209! I am one pound away from being my lowest weight which I was a little bit before Christmas.

I know today is going to be difficult eating wise at work because I know 2 of my co-workers and I will have a bitch fest about another co-worker and this usually takes place over lunch. A lunch that we eat out. Gah. I did bring my lunch so hopefully we can eat in.

Here is to a week of good choices.

I went to the Cheesecake Factory and it definitly won. I also came to realization that for me, with food, there is no inbetween. I am either perfectly on points or WAY over points. There is no "few points over" with me. I really need to work on that. So, at the CF I had A LOT of bread and butter (a major weekness for me so I don't even buy it) and the factory cheeseburger with fries. It was good, but it wasn't amazing. So, my goal for this upcoming week is that if I go out I will not over eat.

I didn't get a chance to take updated pictures. I will try really hard to do that this week/weekend.

I weigh in tomorrow. I am not so sure how I will do after the 3 day weekend I had =\

I know this isn't one of the best pictures of myself, but it's the only full (well almost full) body shot I have of myself. No, I did not pee my pants, my beer glass broke and spilled all over me. But at least the bartender gave me another beer. This was in Dec. 05. 

This pictures was taken the day before the 2003 Gorge shows. When I saw this picture I really wanted to barf. I found it on my friend's computer when I went to visit her. Really it makes me quite ill to look at it. I will post a more current picture soon. I have no clue what I weigh here, because stepping on the scale was the last thing on my mind. 

I had Mexican for dinner tonight and I didn't do too hot. The chips definitly won. However, I hardly ate any of my fajitas, so I brought a lot of leftovers home.

I did eat an on points lunch and woke up too late for breakfast. I did break down and buy a bag of dove chocolate hearts. They are so yummy. I had 4 today. That is 4 points because they are 1 points each. I think and I hope I will not be able to eat too many at one time of them. I just had 3 sugar cookies with some milk.

Tomorrow I am going to Chattanooga to visit my best DMB friend. I haven't seen her since Red Rocks, so I am excited to see her. I am sure we will go out, hopefully to Mud Pie and I plan on getting a salad. No ifs ands or buts about it.

I didn't go to the gym today, I won't be going tomorrow, and I won't be going on Wednesday. I have decided that I am going to pay the $25 deposit for a key to the workout room at the apartment complex. This means I can workout on the weekends or on the evenings without going into the gym at work.

Hopefully I will see a difference on the scale on Tuesday.

I turned down pizza yesterday! Ah yeah! My professor bought pizza for the class, but I had already eaten a yummy turkey wrap on a whole weat tortilla

I did have pizza for lunch, but that was planned. I should have gotten the salad though because it looked soooo much better.

The weekend should be interesting food wise. I will probably go out to eat 2 or 3 times. gah.

But here comes a 3 day weekend!

So I can already tell that work related eating is going to be my biggest challange. I made it to the gym this morning doing 30 minutes of weights and 60 minutes of cardio. I ate my breakfast of Kashi Cereal (half a serving 1 point) and SF apple sauce (1 Point). I brought a bannana, but due to meeting I didn't have time to eat it. So I packed my lunch. Really it was a hodge podge (sp?) of items. Broccoli, 2 corn tortillias, 2 slices ham and 2 slices turkey, and a laughing cow semisoft cheese and the red rhine (Let me tell you, they are yum and they are only 1 point!). They remind me of amazing lunches we would get in Paris at the grocery and eat them with baguettes. mmmmm. Ok, well any way I was pursuaded by my fellow co-workers to go out to lunch at the on campus cafe. Gah. My options were pizza, burgers, pre-made salad, or mexican. I don't like their pizza. I could have gone for the grilled chicken sandwich, but I really didn't want fries. I thought about the pre-made salad, but it was almost $6 for a little salad and they had no FF dressing. So I settled on the mexican. I got a chicken taco salad with no shell and no chips. I can do with out the shell, but the chips part is huge. I love chips. I can almost eat a whole bag. Were not talking regular grocery size, were talking Sam's or Costco size bag. So I get the salad with sour cream and guac. I can't do without those just yet. All in all I felt I did pretty well except for the cookie. Ahh the cookie...these are not your regular cookies these are "Love Cookies" as Miss Shelly the lady who makes them calls them. The flavors are amazing. triple chocolate chunk, regular chocolate chip, toffee pecan, etc. So I am hooked on these damn things. When I paid for my lunch I resisted, but after my lunch I caved. I had a chocolate chip cookie.

One thing I am proud of is all my co-workers comented on how good my salad looked while they ate their burgers and fries and tortilla chips. I think next time I will be able to resist the cookie.

Wow, I just wrote a lot about my food intake. No wonder I have a problem with food =)

So I weighed in today at 212. That would be 91 pounds down. Phatgirl is logging in from a Panera of all places because I don't have internet hooked up at the apartment yet. So instead of doing my reading for my international business grad school class, I am at Panera surfing the net.

Breakfast consisted of no sugar added applesauce and a Kashi bar. Lunch was my leftover chicken parmesan and spaghetti with added green beans from Carraba's. I had a small hot chocolate with skim milk, peppermint flavor, and whipped cream for a snacky snack. I also had 2 points of TLC Crackers. I went to the grocery store before some dinner and bought lots of yummies. Some things I got were:

12 Lean Cuisines. Yes, 12. They were 50% off and if you bought 12 you got 5 dollars off your total bill.
Bannanas
Apples
Frozen green bean
Frozen broccoli
Frozen peppers
Egg Beaters
Corn tortillas
Refried beans
Salsa
SF popsicles
Kashi Cereal (I can't remember what kind)
Cheerios
Sunflower seeds
Coleslaw
Frozen potato wedges

and I think that's about it.

Those are just a few of the staples of my diet.

I came home and poured some cabbage in a bowl and added 2 points worth of chicken and a few toasted sunflower seeds and some balsamic vinegar. Yum! All for about 3-4 points. However I was still feeling a little hungry so off to Panera with the roomate. I got chicken noodle soup and I ate the baguette. I don't really by bread to keep at the house, so I guess it is ok if I eat it occasionally.

Since everyone is doing before and after pictures I might as well too. I will try to do that this weekend too.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful on point day! =)

So here it is 2 years and 4 days to the date that I started my journey. I weighed a lot and I was in major denial. I would look at fat people and compare myself to them. I would tell myself things like “I didn’t look that fat.” and “I can carry more weight because I am taller.” Man I had myself fooled. When I went home over the Christmas holiday I looked through my pictures of my year in Europe. That year and the summer before it were the experiences young adults dream about. The summer of 2002 took me to 21 Dave Matthews Band shows, Bonnaroo, and countless friends and memories made. There is one experience from that summer when I was at Bonnaroo when I met my Dutch friend Esther. We were talking about something and she pointed out my stretch marks on my arms. I have no clue what we were talking about; I just know I was embarrassed. (Esther if you are reading this, I love you because you were the only one willing to point out the obvious! I wish a lot more of my friends would do that!) Anyway, for some reason that comment still wasn’t motivation to get my butt in gear. I ended the summer and head off to Italy for 8 months. While in Italy I didn’t really lose that much weight I just did a lot more walking. Anyway, I was looking at the pictures from those 8 months and I was disgusted at how fat I looked. I looked awful. It was just really painful for me to look at the pictures when I was at home.

When I look back and think about what made me decided to lead a healthier life by losing weight I couldn’t pin points it. Wait. Yes I can. It was when I got on the scale and it read 303. It is when the pants I liked, but were really too big started fitting right. Yes. It’s all coming back to me now.

So here I am 2 years later and at least 80 lbs lighter. Part of me is frustrated that I didn’t lose the weight quicker. I look at so many of the “success” stories in magazines like People, Weight Watchers, etc and I am just astonished at the people who have lost more than a hundred pounds in 2 years. Really I am jealous. I want to be thin and I want it now. Don’t even get me started on Star Jones!

So now with almost 1/3 of my weight gone you think I would be happier. I am not really sure I am at this moment. Sure I am healthier, but it seems like now I am constantly obsessed with food and exercise. I journal in spurts, but when I do it is obsessive. I can’t just go to the gym once a week. I must go every-single-day. (Since I have started going to the gym number of exercise pants I have worn out the crotch in: 3. Does this happen to skinny people too?)

I was reading through one of my previous posts about over eating at the cafeteria on campus. I went there today and I overate. I decided right now I am not going to go there anymore. There is no possible way I can go there and not overeat. And to be honest, the food isn’t that great. Sure I will be missing out on socializing every so often, but it’s not worth it to treat my body that way.

For dinner tonight I had my leftover Chicken pad thai. I probably could have picked a healthier dinner considering my lunch though. I went to the gym for the first time in a week and a half. I have been very busy packing and moving to my new place with a 5 minute commute to work and the gym! I did some light weights for 35 minutes and cardio for 40.

Tomorrow is the weigh in day. It will be the 2 year weigh in!

Hopefully this weekend I will have some time to update this site.

I am back after a 3 month absence! Tomorrow is my weigh in day so I will post the results tomorrow to let you all know where I am in my journey.