Saturday, April 12, 2008

Still Struggling

I am still struggling. The past two weeks seem like a complete blur. A blur in which I have not listened to my fullness, eaten crap (and not even good crap at that!), and rarely exercised or stepped foot in a gym. I have had good intentions and they have all gone out the window. SO with that being said I am weighing myself on Monday. And I am going to seriously monitor my food intake. I need to bring in the reigns. While I am not beating myself up over the 2 pieces of hawaiian pizza, 3 stellas, and 2 huge yummy cheese ravioli sticks I ate for dinner last night, I am going to limit my "splurge and excess" meals. Seriously. I can't remember the last time I ate a salad and I LOVE salad. So, I think after work on Monday I will be hitting up the grocery store to stalk up for the lunches for the rest of the week.

Some things currently stressing me out:
I need to write that paper
Job search
Clothes fitting worse than they did a month ago
I still need to write that paper

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I told myself I wasn't going to go

I told myself I wasn't going to be able to go to a John Mayer show this summer because he was playing nowhere close to Nashville. After helping my BFF get second row for a show in NY I was playing around to see what I could get for Deer Creek. And I got 4th row dead center! And well, this ticket snob couldn't pass those seats up. And it's a weekend show, so I could really go to it. So after figuring out my BFF probably couldn't come in for the show, I decided my mom needed to go with me. So we are probably going to meet up in Louisville early on July 4th and go to the outlet malls outside Indianapolis and shop downtown (they have a Nordstrom!) Yeah!!!!!! Girls weekend trip! Shopping! AND John Mayer!

Eating has not been the best this week with sea em tea in the building and craft services down the hall. I feel like I have no self control and ate 3 little debbie oatmeal pies today. What?!? I couldn't even tell you the last time I had one of those things before today. And it's not like a homemade chocolate chip cookie and I can think of 1000 things better. Oh and wasabi peas are like CRACK. Seriously.

Oh and my kickball team is the most intense thing ever. We keep stats. And of course I had 2 errors. The most on the team last night. GRRRRRRRR. And we lost 7-6 on a bad call :(

Off to the gym and a new Office tonight!

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Oh Gym!

Oh Gym, how I have missed you! It has been two long weeks since our last date. Seriously, last night rocked. 20 minutes of weights and 65 minutes on the treadclimber was pure bliss. I can't wait for our next date!

oh and I got up this morning and walked for an hour. No sprints, but I did get up. I just rolled out of bed. Wearing my workout clothes to bed is definitely the way to go. I am not lazy, I am just thinking ahead.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Normal Eating?

What exactly is normal eating? For me it means not stringently counting points, calories, fat, not labeling food as good or bad, and most importantly enjoying what I eat! So I am going to tell what I ate yesterday. I know that it, by no means, met any healthy guidelines, but I did the best I could and I am not going to beat myself up over it.

1 serving old fashioned oatmeal with less than 1/4 cup crasains. I know it was less even thought I didn't measure, just because I have measured it out so much I visually know.

Large fiji apple

1/2 BBQ Chicken and onion quesadilla, tortilla chips, 2 oz of sour cream, salsa

100 cal oreo bites
about 10 plain M&Ms

Black bean, great northern bean, rotel, and orzo pasta concoction
Single serve package of dark chocolate cadbury mini eggs

Woah. I don't feel like a deprived myself yesterday and I ate chocolate 3! times! I know I could have chosen a few different things to make my overall eating better for the day, but I didn't. I am ok with that. I enjoyed my lunch out and I was comfortable with all of my choices. I didn't associate guilt with anything I ate yesterday. Hopefully I will be able to keep this up.

Monday, April 07, 2008

America the Beautiful

I just got back from the screening of this documentary. It is a must see for anyone that has ever struggled with weight/body image/etc. At one point I was almost in tears because I could identify so closely with what was going on in the film

Speaking of body image, I don't have the best one of myself. But, I am working on it. I have been going to a counselor for the past month and it is the BEST decision I have made in a long time. I just got to a point where I really couldn't stay unhappy with my body. I have become a lot more aware of my feelings, how food makes me feel, and the actions of others. It has been a very enlightening experience. Since this is a public blog and a lot of the things I discuss with my counselor are pretty personal, I probably won't be sharing much of what happens, but I just wanted to let you all know it has been an amazing and eye opening experience. If you have any questions about the experience I would be more than happy to discuss them privately :)

I am also still learning about intuitive eating. One of the sections I just finished discussed ideal vs. realistic weight. Ideally I would never have to worry about my weight and I would be able to eat whatever I wanted. Ideally I would be able to try anything on and it would fit perfectly. Is that the case? No? Is it the case for most women/men? Probably not. So why am I tormenting myself with trying to get smaller? Good question.

I have maintained with in 10 lbs my weight for almost 2 years now. I can stay within that range and for the most part all of my clothes fit. However, some fit better at the upper range and some fit better at the lower thing. Yet, I still feel like a failure because I haven't lost what I ideal see as the last 25-30 lbs. I still beat myself up when I eat a muffin, even in the grand scheme of things I have had countless muffins over the past two years. I say I love food, but am I really enjoying it, if I beat myself up because I haven't lost the last 25-30 lbs? Nope, I feel guilt anytime I eat something "bad." Not anymore! I am not throwing in the towel, but I am really ready to appreciate and love my body. For the time being I feel I have reached a healthy weight and one that I KNOW I can maintain. I feel I have reached a REALISTIC weight. Besides my weight there are many other measures of health which need to be considered as well, all of which I fall into the healthy categories of. SO GO ME! I am healthy and I am ready to start enjoying my life and start living without guilt.

With all that being said, I will still blog about my feelings, food, and exercise. I know I am going to have fat days and I know I am going to have awesome days. I still want to be able to share them with you all!

Sunday, April 06, 2008

No Weigh Monday!

That's right. I am not weighing myself tomorrow. I already know what is going to happen...a gain. I can tell just from the way my clothes are fitting, plus it is TOM. Last week Sunday-yesterday I ate: Chili's twice, Logan's twice, Cheesecake Factory for dessert, pizza, potato chips, quesadillas, more ice cream cake than I care to admit, and some other stuff. Oh and I only exercised twice. So yeah, I know what's coming, I just need to get my life back in order. My friend went home today, so that is sad, but at the same time good, because I don't need to eat out as much as I have been. Both my wallet and my waist will thank me. I have made soup for the upcoming week for some lunches/dinners. I do have tentative lunch plans for tomorrow and lunch out on tuesday. That's it. The other 3 lunches I will be making myself and preferably hitting up the gym as well.

Tomorrow I am going to see this movie: America the Beautiful after work tomorrow.

That's all for now. I have a lot more to talk about and hopefully will get around to it this week.

Thank you all for your comments to my question! It is interesting to see how each of your personalities came out in your answers. It was like I could almost hear you saying it! So while that guy who made the comments, was an ass, one of his friends was not. I broke one of my rules (I'll tell more about why I have this rule later) and added the guy as a friend on a social networking site and just said it was nice to meet him. He pretty much replied with the same. We might be hanging out this week! I don't want to get my hopes up, but it is still fun to think about :)