I put up a new tracker reflecting a NEW start. I know where I have been and now I need to focus on where I am going. 20 lbs that's it. I can do that.

I am still struggling today. Yesterday evening I went to the gym. Weights for 20 minutes and treadmill for 60 minutes. I felt a little bit better after the workout. I went home and showered and watched Biggest Loser. I really wish I didn't have a job and I could workout all day. I have told my friends this before and I think they really think I am crazy. As much as I love to eat, I equally love to work out. Right now, I am just having a problem fitting in my workouts.

I started the day off with a good breakfast, however I went to mexican for lunch. Not good. It is really hard to say no when my entire department of 6 goes out to lunch. So I had chips and cheese dip and 1 chimichanga. Ok, I know not the best. I ate it and i am moving on. I am now sitting at my desk drinking water. I am not hungry becuase I ate so much at lunch.

I think I need to become accountable to myself and no one else. I also think I really need to think about why I want to lose weight.

Why can't it be easy????

I have not been to the gym since Monday. I am going after work today. I am either really good or I just say fuck it all. I am such a stress and emotional eater. I am not sure I like my WW leader, but I love my group members.

I have eaten bad the past 2 1/2 days. It started with chips, salsa, 1 beer and a pretzel sandwhich on Monday oh and some dark chocolate covered almonds. Tuesday was followed by more dark chocolate covered almonds, tootsie rolls, kissables (I don't even like them that much!), left over chinese, peanut butter and jelly on a wheat tortilla, 2 slices pizza, and cake batter. Oh yeah and my heart was racing at night and I HATE the way I feel after I eat that much but that didn't stop me.

I came into work KNOWING I had to weigh in today. What do I do? I proceed to eat sweets. GAHHHH!! I then went to Logan's after I weighed in at 200 lbs where I had 3 rolls, peanuts, a baked potato, and broccoli. I seriously want to cry right now.

And this post is ridiculously whinny, but I feel better for typing it out.

I am putting a lot of pressure on myself like I always do to lose X and X amount by such and such a date. When is it going to stop? Will it ever? Will I ever be satisfied with my body? I have gotten more complements then I can ever remember getting in the past 4 days. Why do I do this to myself??????

Every once in a while I just need to see a side by side comparison photo. I know I look different just from looking at pictures, but sometimes it is hard to notice unless the pictures are together. I went out last night wearing a shirt I have had for a while. The picture of me is in the same shirt in April 2005 around 230 lbs. The one of me on the right is from last night. I am not quite sure what I am. I weigh in tomorrow =) ( for some reason that is beyond me, images are grainy when I post them here. click on the image for a clearer picture.)

So I went out on a "girl's night out" thing last night. I knew quite a few of the girls, but of course I still feel self concious. We went to this place called Cabanna which is essentially Nashville trying to be NYC or LA, both of which we are not. Of course the night we pick to go would be the night of some greek formal event. It made me so glad I had finished my undergrad. The place was full with over 150 of them. So yeah, and they were all super dressed up, of course making me feel super underdressed. Gah. Ok, so I need to go back to this place. I know that on any other night there would be a lot of eligible bachelors. Since we might have been one of the only table of non-greeks in the place, some guy cam up to us and told us we were the most beautiful table in Nashville. He comes back later and has 14 shots for all of us! So besides my glass of red wine I had a shot, and then a jack and diet coke at the other bar. I did not eat anything though as I had already eaten before I went out. Although I want to stay with my one drink rule, I am ok with the splurges I made.