Tuesday, October 04, 2005

My life seems like a constant struggle between what I currently am and what I long to be. I currently long to be thin. Really, I have no set number as to what "thin" is I just know it is not what I am now. I often wonder if I will ever really achieve this goal. It all comes down to want this perfect body. I know that there is no such thing as perfect, yet I still strive for it. I have been able to accomplish everything else in my life I have wanted to except lose this damn weight. I have this obsession with food. I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am bored, I eat when I am stressed. Let's face I just eat all the time! It has gotten a lot better and I have tried to really listen to actual hunger pains vs. emotional cravings, but a lot of times those cravings win.

At lunch today I had probably had about 4 servings of mashed potatoes, 1 slice turkey, some zucchini, 2 rolls, i bowl of tomato/rice soup with 8 crackers, 1 little (probably the correct serving size) piece of yellow cake with chocolate frosting, and 3 scoops of chocolate ice cream with crumbled oreos. This is an insane amount of food and I probably could have gone back for more. Why? I am not really sure. I guess it was the sure quantity of food and the fact that I could have as much of it as I wanted. I paid for it big time. My stomach hurt when I went back to my desk and wanted to take a long nap.

I have said this before and I will say it again. My one saving grace is that I am basically obsessed with the gym. I don't even want to think where I would be if I didn't go the gym.

I really want to lose this weight and I need to step it up. I was doing so well 2 weeks ago and then I will have one bad meal and it is all down hill from there. Today was supposed to be the day I got back on track. I guess it will have to be tomorrow. Here is to a new day.