Failure and Bumps in the Road

Sometimes I wonder if I am going to fail at this whole weight loss thing. I mean I have been going at it for 4+ years and I am still not where I want to be. I wonder if I get to where I think I should be, if I will be terribly disappointed. Disappointed that my thighs are still huge. Disappointed that stomach is still flabby. And disappointed that I still won't be happy with my body. This scares the shit out of me. All the what ifs. I am at a point in my life where only a handful of people know the "before" me. I am not really sure what the proper word to describe how I feel about the people who only know me currently. They don't get why I go to the gym for hours or why I bring my lunch to work or why I don't have a glass of wine when everyone else is drinking. I can't, nor do I want, to wear a sign around my neck or on my back that says "Hey, I used to be fat!" But sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't need the sign. I can see the skin in my arms and lower body that is telling enough to do the same thing. And sometimes I feel pretty positive everyone else can see it too.

I have been doing really well for the past 4 weeks. Amazingly well. I have not been doing this fantastic, well I can't even remember the last time I was doing this fantastic. Yesterday was a little tricky. I was really snacky in the evening and I just needed to eat dinner. Even after I ate dinner, I was still looking for snacks. I was able to refrain and went to a friend's house to play cranium and watch "Shoot 'Em Up." I fell asleep during the movie and I think that is a good indication of how crappy it was more then an indication of how tired I was. I passed on wine and popcorn. I came home and went straight to bed. No computer. No snacking.

Today I had visions of getting up by 7:30. I hit the snooze and wasn't up until about 8:20. I was at the gym before 9 and spent three glorious hours working out. It was my time. I read and listened to some great music. Now I am putting off writing a paper. I read the requirements and it only needs to be 4-6 pages. That literally is nothing. I'll get it done. I haven't missed a deadline yet in grad school.

This week will be tricky as far as food an exercise go. Tomorrow I have to go interview a business owner during lunch so I won't be able to workout. I will need to workout (walk on the treadmill) after work and before class. Class until 9. Tuesday I will work out either during lunch or before class. Class until 9. Wednesday I have a grant writing class to go. Then I will pick up any last minute things I need for the cruise and get a mani/pedi. Later in the night will be the first meeting of my entrepreneurial club. If 5 people come I will be ecstatic. Possibly work out after meeting. Thursday I will work out during lunch. Pick up my CSA at 5 and then drop it off at home and head straight to the airport for Florida!!!!!!

I will meet up with my best friend and another friend and we will stay in Miami one night and then get on the cruise ship Friday. Eating and exercise is going to be tricky. I have been doing so well and I don't want to mess things up. I am thankful I have been on a cruise and know what to expect (the food is not that great). I am not sure how exercise will fit in the picture, but I have entered a contest thing to attend a training session with John Mayer's trainer. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to win that. I will be going kayaking and snorkeling on Saturday.

I have been doing so well, and I know as hard as I try to plan there will always be little bumps in the road. Sure I have my whole week planned out, but I KNOW things will come up. It's just a matter of how I handle the bumps in the road. It is my hope that I will be able to balance having fun and staying on plan during this upcoming weekend.