Monday, December 22, 2008

Hitting Rock Bottom

I think I have done it. I have hit rock bottom and things have to change. December has been a rough month. 2008 has been a rough year. It’s hard to even say that considering all the places I have traveled, friends I have visited, and accomplishments I have made. Don’t get me wrong I had some really good times this year, but I also had some horrible times that I don’t want to experience again. I am fighting the tears right now thinking about it all. I know some of this is partly hormonal, but nonetheless I need to say it.

I don’t think I have fully grasped the emotional ramifications of a stranger breaking into my apartment. It’s hard for me to comprehend someone having to steal from others because it is just something I wouldn’t do. I feel violated especially since my laptop was stolen. Who knows if they even looked at what was on it. But just knowing that someone had access to huge chunk of my life is scary. An uninvited person was in my bedroom. Nothing of my roommates was stolen so I lam left with lots of questions about it being targeted. Was it someone I knew? Was it a stranger? Why didn’t they steal more? Etc, etc. Now anytime I hear a noise or voice I am instantly on guard. And I have taken a whole lot more security measures now that this has happened. It wasn’t like I was unsafe before. So I am sure this whole things has created some stress.
I really need to take a step back and analyze why I drink (and eat). I drank entirely way too much yesterday and lost my cell phone. To be quite honest I am really surprised I haven’t died of alcohol poisoning or stupidity. I mean I don’t drink and drive at all, but I did fall last night. I think I was drinking to numb the pain and hurt. I don’t think I have mentioned this, but my ex is engaged. When I found out I wasn’t sad, but a little shocked at how quickly it all happened.

The last six months of 2008 have been like none other of my adult life. It’s the first time really as an adult that I have had disposable income and no constraints on time. I finished school and was freeeeeeeeeee. However, my workout routine struggled greatly. Dessert is an everyday kind of thing now. I have a social life. I am having a very hard time finding balance.
So 2009, is going to be the year of me. I am going to focus on me and if that means being less social, I am ok with it. Oh and it’s not starting on January 1, it’s starting today. While my food choices today were less than stellar, I am ok with it. I didn’t eat all the food that was on my plate at 2 of my 3 meals. That’s a start right? I also made it to the gym. Let me tell you. That was a struggle. I really didn’t want to go, plus I feel like I look horrible and shouldn’t be seen at the gym. Where is the logic in that one? I was on the arc trainer for 60 minutes and the treadmill for 7 minutes, 5 of which I ran.

So as not to end this post on a complete downer, I have some rather exciting news. Remember this post? Well I got a call from her this week and I have been asked to speak on a panel at this conference. So I feel completely unqualified, but this is an opportunity I can’t pass up. So, LA here I come in January!

Happy Holidays to you all! I am off to spend the holiday with my family in WV. Thank you all for your support and I look forward to ringing in 2009 with you all!


Sherri said...

Here is wishing you an amazing 2009. I feel in love with your blog mostly because of your passion for music. If I lived in Nashville and not Knoxville I would totally try to be your BFF. I know what its like to not put yourself first and to beat yourself up for it, we all do it. We all have struggles. The weight/diet/workout issues, I know where you are coming from. What I realized over the past year and a half is that when I put myself first, everything else does fall into place. Its not easy and simple and damn it you still fall, but you suck it up, you own it and you start over. You seem like a pretty amazing girl. Don't sell yourself short.

*Christie* said...

I am so sorry about the break in, I can see that now it has settled in and is freaking you out more than it did at first. I don't blame you. I would be completely freaked out about that. It is so strange how it happened and does leave a lot to wonder about. I wish I could tell you not to worry but it's tough not to worry after you've been through something like that.
Go back to the Intuitive Eating book again. Between that and getting your workouts going again, you'll do great. No regrets, just move on. Your life is going great in so many areas. You are a wonderful, worthy, fantastic person. I hope 2009 is your year.

anna said...

you are easily the most relate-able person in the world! when i read your blog i feel as though i have known you for years and we were close friends in collegee...or something like that. i'm so sorry to read that you are down about the past year. i know that you have the ability to get everything you want in life. and you WILL! you're awesome! can't wait to get back into shape in 2009 myself. i will be here...reading...forever!! happy new year!

Amanda said...

i miss you and love you! i hope your christmas is great.

i want you to know that i think you are amazing and incredibly courageous.

say hi to the roommate from me!

Krissie said...

This winter has been really tough for me too. I'm almost ready for Christmas to be over and it hasn't even started.

So will we see you when you drive back to Nashville? We'll be back home tomorrow through Saturday, but otherwise we'd love to take you to eat somewhere!

Krissie said...

So sorry that we'll miss you! Definitely next time! Or whenever we decide to come to Nashville for a show. Whichever comes first!