My life seems like a constant struggle between what I currently am and what I long to be. I currently long to be thin. Really, I have no set number as to what "thin" is I just know it is not what I am now. I often wonder if I will ever really achieve this goal. It all comes down to want this perfect body. I know that there is no such thing as perfect, yet I still strive for it. I have been able to accomplish everything else in my life I have wanted to except lose this damn weight. I have this obsession with food. I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am bored, I eat when I am stressed. Let's face I just eat all the time! It has gotten a lot better and I have tried to really listen to actual hunger pains vs. emotional cravings, but a lot of times those cravings win.

At lunch today I had probably had about 4 servings of mashed potatoes, 1 slice turkey, some zucchini, 2 rolls, i bowl of tomato/rice soup with 8 crackers, 1 little (probably the correct serving size) piece of yellow cake with chocolate frosting, and 3 scoops of chocolate ice cream with crumbled oreos. This is an insane amount of food and I probably could have gone back for more. Why? I am not really sure. I guess it was the sure quantity of food and the fact that I could have as much of it as I wanted. I paid for it big time. My stomach hurt when I went back to my desk and wanted to take a long nap.

I have said this before and I will say it again. My one saving grace is that I am basically obsessed with the gym. I don't even want to think where I would be if I didn't go the gym.

I really want to lose this weight and I need to step it up. I was doing so well 2 weeks ago and then I will have one bad meal and it is all down hill from there. Today was supposed to be the day I got back on track. I guess it will have to be tomorrow. Here is to a new day.

Please excuse the lack of posting. I have been quite busy. My eating has been pretty out of control for the past month or so. I am back into the 220's which is not good. I just got back from almost a week in Denver and I am ready to get back into the swing of things. While I was there so many people complimented me on how great I look. That was some much needed motivation.

I have been eating within my points range both yesterday and today. I also made it to the gym today for over an hour and a half.

I really would like to lose 20 pounds. I think I am going to start looking at it in smaller incraments. I also printed out my hard copy of my journals for the next 3 weeks. I definitly do a lot better when I write everything down.

I had this ah ha moment at the gym when I found the perfect lyrics to describe how I had been feeling a lot lately. I just updated my iPod last night so I finally got to listen to all the new CDs I had bought over the summer closer and not just on speakers at my desk.

I was listening to the new Jason Mraz album: Mr. A-Z and "Song For a Friend" came on and part of this song just seemed so perfect for how I have been feeling:

"if you stumble on to something better
you better remember that it's humble that you seek
you got all the skill you need
individuality
you got something call it gumption
call it anything you want
because when you play the fool now you're only fooling everyone else "

I know his CD hasn't gotten rave reviews, but I think you should seriously check it out if you haven't already.

I have come to a realization that this weight loss journey needs to be about myself. I am doing this for me and not anyone else. I think I started my jounrey out with this reasoning, but I think it has slowly taken a turn down the wrong road. I think I still want to do this for myself, but also these new reasons have started popping up, that I am not necessarily ok with any more- To make so and so jealous or so and so will be sorry they turned me down, etc. My new goal besides doing this to healthier is to try not to think about what other people are thinking about me and my weight loss journey.

I am pretty sure this week will not be good on the scale. I did not weigh in last week and I haven't been sticking to my points range. I have however been keeping up with my excercise.